In the future we'll all be gay
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
