They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
two words: eviction party
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
