i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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