Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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