woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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