She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
