you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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