I need help removing her.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
