if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
