Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
