I heard we made out
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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