Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
