So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm having to shit out rocks
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