Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
