spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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