My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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