I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
