Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He? As in you personified your dick?
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