I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
