You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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