did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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