I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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