I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
