First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
it's like iHOP with fire
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
