i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
