dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
