this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
