what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
