I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
