He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
