I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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