I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
