Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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