All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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