I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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