Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
