I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
