Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
she looked like the before picture.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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