Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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