what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
