You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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