they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
