I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Apparently you make a good broom.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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