Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
i black out too much to be "responsible"
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
