wat bout pragnant strippers??
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
