Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
