PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
