I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
