Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
