Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
