you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
